Tuesday, September 27, 2011


How to Give a Cat a Pill
1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.


Call spouse in from the garden. 

 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

  Call fire department to retrieve the darned cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little bugger's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Order more pills from Vet.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.


Monday, September 19, 2011

The Bronx-You can't go home again-Part One

The Bronx, one of the burroughs of New York City.  I was born there in 1946 and lived there until 1956 when we moved to New Jersey because my father got a really good job there.

The picture above is 264 East 211th Street where my grandparents lived for as long as I could remember.  They did live in another apartment building right down the block but this was built new and was a real step up for them.  The only difference that I can see in this picture, much more recent, is that the trees are much more mature and there is a chain link fence across the front courtyard. Perhaps the sidewalks have been redone in the past 55 years but they are sidewalks that I walked on almost every day of my young life.  
There are so many good memories, some not so good, I still dream about being in their apartment and can describe every room in detail.

Technology today can bring you right into your old neighborhood with Googlemap.  Taking a virtual walk up East 211th Street is a strange experience.  

Right across the street facing their building is The famous Woodlawn Cemetary.  There is a wrought iron fence stretching from one end to the other separating us from the graves.  My mom, my brother and I used to take walks in there.  It was green and lush and, of course, peaceful.  I don't think I ever thought about it being a cemetary - just fun to walk around in.  

There was a park nearby also called the Oval.  Picture below.

It has changed a lot.  There used to be forsynthia bushes surrounding the park making a huge circle of yellow in the Spring that used to awe me.  We went there many days after school.  My mom, my brother, my mom's friends and their kids.  We were fast friends until I had to move away.
Try as I might, I can't seem to grasp that fun feeling anymore.

Picture of Grandma with me in my Brownie uniform and my brother, Peffie (Stefan).  1954.